Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events.
The White House has announced that it intends to send the Troy University Police Department (TUPD) to the United States-Mexico border to curb illegal immigration in place of the National Guard.
The decision was made after President Donald Trump found out University Police had acquired military-grade equipment through the Defense Logistic Agency (DLA).
“TUPD displays true American pride! They all voted for me down there, they all love me down there, #RebuildTheWall,” Trump tweeted early Monday morning.
A senior White House official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, revealed that the idea emerged after the president was misled to believe the hashtag used by the university in reference to the football program was a support for his plans to build the border wall.
Trump went on to call police forces from other universities “phonies,” and he stated his intent to give each university police officer the Medal of Honor.
Officer Gin Gingrich said her keen eye for illegal parking and expired Troy decals has prepared her for protecting the border.
“If illegal immigrants are anything like illegally parked student vehicles, I am fully prepared to report those individuals to student services,” Gingrich said before realizing this wasn’t a university matter.
In addition to the Humvees already provided, the university police have elected to take golf carts with them to the border as well.
In the absence of the TUPD, Sodexo has been charged to run security for Troy campus.