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Posts published in “Meanwhile in Sparta…”

Troy calls TUPD off trail of hazing investigation to write parking tickets

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events. Zach Henson Editor-in-Chief The Troy University police chief was reportedly called away from handling a situation involving intoxicated minors on Fraternity Row to write a parking ticket Read More

Pelosi’s old gavel makes a comeback

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events. Pradyot Sharma Opinion Editor Residents of Pacific Heights in San Francisco filed a noise complaint on Tuesday night, saying they heard what sounded like the constant banging Read More

Troy police arrest man who has been selling flash drives to students as e-cigarettes

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events. Jack Johnson, 29, was arrested Monday for selling flash drives disguised as JUUL e-cigarettes to Troy students. The JUUL vape systems became available in 2017 and have Read More

Canada may become largest spring break student destination

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events. Pradyot Sharma Opinion Editor Travel agents and airline websites were overwhelmed Wednesday as thousands of American college students attempted to book spring break vacations to Canada.  Canada Read More

Twitter loses valuable customer to national text alert system

Zach Henson Editor-in-Chief  Pradyot Sharma Opinion Editor After testing the presidential alert system Wednesday, President Donald Trump announced that he will abandon Twitter in favor of the new system.  “THE LYING MEDEA CANT BLOCK THE ALRTS LIKE THEY CAN BLOC ME ON TWEETTER,” Trump sent out in the alert after the initial test.  A source in Read More

7 a.m. classes a violation of Geneva Convention

Taylor Walding Variety Editor In accordance with the Geneva Convention, representatives from the United Nations (UN) have outlawed 7 a.m. classes on grounds of inhumane treatment.  Violation of the law will now be considered an international war crime and tried in court. Miroslav Lajčák of Slovakia, the current president of the U.N., said upon the committee’s Read More

University decides to admit lovebugs to boost enrollment

Emma Daniel News Editor Troy University will now allow lovebugs to enroll as students in an effort to boost enrollment numbers, the admissions office announced at a ceremony on Monday.  Fifteen members of administration, a handful of students and hundreds of lovebugs signed up for the ribbon cutting, unveiling a new “Lovebug Department” in Bibb Graves Read More

Boise team upset over green turf

Sam Stroud Staff Writer After inspecting Veterans Memorial Stadium ahead of the first game on Saturday, the Boise State football team was in a state of disbelief over the color of the turf because their own field is blue. “It’s actually green!” a player commented. “We thought all football fields were blue.” This unexpected development has Read More

Dining Hall helps students to avoid the freshman 15

Pradyot Sharma Opinion Editor Taylor Walding Variety Editor The Trojan Dining Hall is helping students avoid the freshman 15 by using innovative weight loss strategies that incorporate hiding cutlery and closing early on weekends. It is not unusual for students to have to walk the entire dining hall three times before they find a fork. “I Read More

Campus police set speed traps for e-scooters

Pradyot Sharma Opinion Editor The University police have set up speed traps across campus to bust students going over 15 mph on the newly available e-scooters. While police claim these measures are meant to ensure the safety of students and staff alike, the initiative’s main purpose is to ensure students don’t run over the squirrels on Read More

Fortnite most popular major among freshmen

Pradyot Sharma Opinion Editor Wesley Kirchharr Sports Editor The class of 2022 has seen a surge in numbers after the University declared it will be offering a comprehensive degree in the popular video game Fortnite. The entire class will be virtual, and the professors are understood to teach from home basements around the world. The administration Read More

Runner accidentally discovers abandoned forest on campus

Austin MacCraw Copy Editor An abandoned forest was discovered on Troy University property Saturday morning, surprising both students and faculty. The forest was found by Peter Stone, a sophomore environmental science major from Little Rock, Arkansas, during an early-morning jog. “I was about three miles into my five-mile run, and by then I’d stopped paying attention Read More

Trump to send Troy University police to US-Mexico Border

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events. Emma Daniel Staff Writer The White House has announced that it intends to send the Troy University Police Department (TUPD) to the United States-Mexico border to curb Read More