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Satire: Professor requests change of title in hopes of pay raise

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Taylor Walding

Variety Editor

A faculty member has requested a formal change of title, from professor to coach, in hopes of a better salary.

Rob Stevenson, a professor of economics, said he feels he is undervalued by the university.

“If they would just view me like one of their football coaches, I might actually get a significant raise,” Stevenson said. 

“We put in approximately the same number of hours, but I work with far more students with far less gratitude from the fans. In fact, I don’t have any fans.”

Stevenson put in the request the Monday after Troy’s game against Boise State, citing the loss as evidence for change.

“Coaches can make over $900,000 per year for what?” he cried. “Losing to nationally ranked teams? I’m sorry, but I just think that wealth ought to be redistributed. My $80,000 won’t cut it for me anymore. I want a raise.”

Stevenson said his Socialism 101 class hasn’t been very popular among his peers, claiming other professors frequently sneak by and hiss at his lectures.

Stevenson’s students, on the other hand, love the idea of universal pay.

“I don’t even go to the football games,” said Ty Earles, a sophomore business major from Prattville. “I think Stevenson is the real MVP here. If they broke down the collective coaches’ salary and redistributed it among the profs, that’d be great.”

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events.