Satire: SGA introduces legislation allowing students to bribe professors for grades

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Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events.

Emma Daniel

Inspired by the college admission scam, the SGA passed a resolution allowing students to bribe faculty and staff.

Richie Richards III, the SGA president, sponsored the constitutional amendment himself “so I could pass math, duh,” he said to a reporter who found him handing money to a professor after the SGA meeting. 

The day after the bill passed, multiple faculty members arrived in brand-new cars and showed off new watches. The SGA then called an emergency meeting to put a cap on bribes in another amendment.

While many students are showing support for the bill, some feel as though they’ve been swept under the rug. 

“I’m in college, man,” said Hayley Graves, a senior nursing major from Troy. “I can barely afford to eat ramen noodles three times a day, let alone buy new watches for all my professors.”

The SGA has also asked students not to bring alcoholic beverages as bribes to professors. Acceptable bribes include cash, checks, credit card information and a pamphlet explaining what lacrosse is, just in case they want to bribe a coach.

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