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Twitter loses valuable customer to national text alert system

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Zach Henson

Editor-in-Chief 

Pradyot Sharma

Opinion Editor

After testing the presidential alert system Wednesday, President Donald Trump announced that he will abandon Twitter in favor of the new system. 

“THE LYING MEDEA CANT BLOCK THE ALRTS LIKE THEY CAN BLOC ME ON TWEETTER,” Trump sent out in the alert after the initial test. 

A source in the president’s cabinet said they first found out about this when they heard Chief of Staff John Kelly yell, “You gave him access to what?!” to the White House technology director.

According to Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer, the Democrats are working to find a way to stop Trump from misusing the system. 

“One of his first messages requested a large bucket of chicken and 12 Diet Cokes at 5 a.m.,” Schumer said. “The nation does not need to know the president’s breakfast menu.”

Several large cell companies, such as Tea-Stationary, Dash and Horizon have already joined the system, but some smaller companies are refusing.

“We don’t want to force these needless interruptions into our consumers’ phones,” said a representative of Liberal Wireless, one of the refusing companies.

John McAllen, a junior political science major from Birmingham, said he has pledged to switch to Liberal Wireless.

“I refuse to wake up to a text asking for the remote control to the White House TV just because our president wants to watch Fox and Friends,” he said. 

In what Twitter says is unrelated to this development, there is a party scheduled at the Twitter headquarters this weekend. 

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events.