In accordance with the Geneva Convention, representatives from the United Nations (UN) have outlawed 7 a.m. classes on grounds of inhumane treatment.
Violation of the law will now be considered an international war crime and tried in court.
Miroslav Lajčák of Slovakia, the current president of the U.N., said upon the committee’s visit to Troy’s campus, members saw students hysterically wailing on their journey to class.
Afterward, students seemed even more tormented, as the committee saw numerous episodes of weeping and gnashing of teeth.
“We really wish we would have been made aware of this brutality before the Geneva Convention was revised back in 1949,” Lajčák said. “Its like the Walking Dead!”
Because it cannot derail academic advancement by canceling the current classes, the university will be required to provide coffee and doughnuts in safe zones created for the rehabilitation and counseling of all affected students.
Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events.