Meanwhile in Sparta: School unveils new state-of-the art mask design

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Sam Stroud

Opinion Editor

Several studies recently have suggested that not all masks are universally effective against COVID-19, certain designs appear to have specific levels of effectiveness. Coupling this knowledge with a new scientific data, which suggests that COVID-19 can be transmitted through the eyes, has forced Sparta University to reconsider its current mask mandate. 

With all this in mind, Sparta University has announced that it has designed the most up-to- date, sophisticated mask for the students and faculty to wear. 

This new design is sturdier, as it is made of plastic, not cloth. It completely insulates the head from exposure to foreign particles that may be carried by those infected with COVID-19 by surrounding it with a 360-degree angle shield. 

This new mask will allow for social distancing practices to be abandoned, as chance of exposure is reduced to 0% while the student wears it. 

A major concern brought against the implementation of the new masks is the fear that these masks will not be as customizable, and students will not be able to advertise their political beliefs with them. A spokesman for the university, Jeremy Foolerton, has publicly dispelled these concerns. 

“This new mask design is just as customizable than the older and now outdated models,” he said in a statement. “These masks do in fact, have a larger amount of area, giving students more space to express themselves artistically.” 

Before mandating the use of these new masks, the university field tested them with a group of 20 students, and although 11 of them suffered physical injuries, including being hit by a car, collisions with other students, and falling down stairs, none of them tested COVID-19 positive after three weeks. 

“I’m thankful that the school is making sure I’m protected from a virus with a 99.8% recovery rate,” said senior Bob Sheep from Fakeville, Alabama, one of the university’s mask testers. 

“If it weren’t for the new mask, I might have been infected by COVID-19 while I had my concussion.” 

Sheep reported that while wearing the mask he mistakenly collided with the brick columns in front of a building while on his way to class. 

There have been some concerns brought before the university as to whether the new mask design is possibly going too far in its restrictive nature and is in fact hurting those it is supposed to protect. 

Foolerton downplayed those critiques. 

“We as a society have decided common sense needs to take a back seat to health concerns,” Foolerton stated. “It would be preposterous for Sparta University to buck this trend.” 

The new mask designs are expected to be distributed throughout campus and mandated by next Thursday. 

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