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Advice for students with relationship woes

By Grant Nall


As you all know, Valentine’s Day is most commonly associated with relationships.


One friend of mine always says it was the “day that women took over the world.”


Yes, that could be considered slightly sexist.


I’m here to prevent problems with relationships, so here are some tips to prolong a lifetime of singleness.


First, you begin with wooing away the love of your life.


From the book, “How to Talk to Anyone,” Leil Lowndes says, “the way you look and the way you move is more than 80 percent of someone’s first impression of you.”


To make a good impression, encounter the other by staring at them as if you had a sociopathic disorder, like wild prey being stalked in the jungle by the enticed predator.


Eye contact and pupil dilation have actually been linked to the stimulation of dopamine production in the brain, giving the sense of euphoria.


Now, cue the banal conversation that neither of you particularly care about.


Be sure not to laugh at anything the person says – your goal here is to provoke them to uneasiness.


Lastly, remain completely oblivious of all notions or gestures made to continue this relationship.


You can’t let them feel in control at any point of the situation; you must protect your dignity, so shut them down.


Personally, I don’t even know what is considered a ‘signal,’ so carry on, my wayward son.


With all that said, hygiene and appearance is another major facet to focus on.


When it comes to clothes, be under-dressed and fashionably out-of-date so as to appear that this is the last thing that seriously concerns you.


Another particular study concluded that “colors are responsible for 62-90 percent of our first impressions of one another,” and also that bright colors you wear signify boldness.


I think that a plaid gray sweater or some old paint pants would work just fine.


Facial and bodily hygiene are the other factors.


Apply an excessive amount of cologne if you’re a guy; it typically helps to override a woman’s genetically superior sense of smell and gives them nausea or headaches. That’s a win.


For women, it’s sometimes best to be overtly attached to your singleness by insisting on a flawless cute appearance every time, or else give them your ‘I just woke up with a squirrel in my hair’ style.


Now, to maintain this single status, one of the last crucial deal-breakers is personality.


Dale Carnegie, an expert of communications and human relations, gives many pro-social tips to ultimately manipulate people with enticing words without them even noticing.


One quote of his is “To be interesting, be interested.”


Basically, dishonesty is a virtuous art and a valuable trait in personal communication.


It’s an ill-advised but most exercised of all mingling guidelines.


Never be yourself – that’s simply unprofessional and the individual might actually find out how dull you are.


In addition, it is human nature to want to be the star of the scene, so make sure you bluster over them with your prowess in life.


As I’ve been told, people are attracted to others that exude confidence, so always take the extra mile.


Lastly, people value social reclusion accompanied by uncomfortable quietness and awkward tension — that includes the persistent distraction of a phone being used while the person is sitting right in front of you.


People enjoy their titles of relationship status and the updating of it every minute more than their involvement as part of it, so make sure you’re prepared to make that big posting commitment.


With that said, I hope by now that you’ve obtained a well-informed glance at this lifestyle.


Being single might not be too bad, and it definitely won’t be hard to get there with these concrete tips.

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