Detective Biff back on the case

Two years after his disappearance, Detective Biff returns to Troy to finally unmask the elusive banana bandits

Contributed photo The banana bandits returned to their shenanigans after putting a banana in the hand of A Parents Love statue.

Outside of Hawkins Hall, on Nov. 5, a bruised banana appeared in the hands of the “A Parent’s Love” statue — a mirror image of the beginning of the 2022 spring semester, where this very statue was defiled by yellow fruit for the first time.

This was the beginning of the Banana Bandits, a group so fearsome that I had to flee to Costa Rica two years ago in fear of my life as I was investigating to find their true identities.

Indeed, dear readers, it is I — Detective Biff — who has come back to face the return of my greatest foe in a final showdown with the bandits.

I had previously followed their tracks to a goat farm and was close when they all but vanished. Now, they’ve come out of hiding to lay a singular banana upon the statue that started this all.

However, in order to make sure this is indeed the return of the banana bandits, dear reader, we must consult and confirm the timeline of their treachery.

So, let’s get the facts straight:

The Banana Bandits first formed in the  spring 2022 semester. If they are still here, that would mean they would have had to have been freshman starting out in the 2021-2022 academic year. If they were not freshmen, then they would have already graduated by now and the activity would cease.

Now, dear reader, you may be thinking they could have taken an extra year to graduate, and yes, that may be the case—but we need to think critically. The banana bandits were amuck in the 2022 spring semester, thousands of bananas littered the grounds that semester.

Then later, in the fall 2022 semester, the banana bandits had less frequent banana-bombs on the campus--- how could this be?

Well, it was revealed that the dining hall on campus, colloquially known as SAGA, was the dealer of the bananas the bandits used in their activity. It is also known that unless the bandits were athletes, those who live off campus have restricted access to SAGA compared to freshmen.

So, following this logic, the bandits had to be freshmen in 2021-22 academic year as their access to their resources dwindled to the extreme once freshmen year ended and thus subsequently frequent and unmitigated access to SAGA ended.

SAGA was also ordered to stop serving bananas, but the fact that there was a max influx of bandit activity in 2022 and not the year before shows that with freshman access to SAGA and the resources available inside, the bandits could have only ever been freshmen in 2022.

So dear reader, considering that the “A Parent’s Love” statue was the first banana bandit incident in 2022 and is now being defiled after a long hiatus from the bandits shows their return is promising.

It is also feasibly possible this is the return of the original bandits and not a copycat as the timeline for the bandit’s previous activity all but confirms that the bandits started out as freshmen in 2021-22 and are therefore still on campus, as seniors, in the 2024-25 academic year.

Also, motivation-wise, this is the last year for the bandits on Troy campus. This act of defilement can be considered an act of pre-emptive nostalgia; one last hurrah before they leave Troy forever and put the mask down for good.

That leaves me with one last shot at unmasking these bandits.

Stay tuned dear reader; things are about to get interesting…