Jason Frye
Before I begin, I need to lay the foundation for the argument I will present by explaining the current culinary climate in America. We live in a social media-centric world that glorifies “stunt food,” which is a term that refers to horrible food combinations that are constructed by amateur cooks that should never be allowed access to cooking supplies.
America is the land of the free and home of the brave, so unfortunately for the people who have more respect for themselves, personal freedom dictates that someone should be allowed to create a peanut butter burger, or chicken alfredo egg rolls, or deep-fried Oreos, which are examples of stunt food that plague the culinary world with their existence.
Now, if anyone were unaware of these disgusting creations, and now that light has been shed on them, I am pretty sure any reader now has a greater appreciation for the abnormally large pot of spaghetti their mothers cooked for them as children. After all, your parent or guardian could have forced you to eat an egg roll stuffed with pasta, which is a dish that should be considered a crime and the Man upstairs should consider classifying as a sin, but I digress.
At this point you might be questioning where this is going and why stunt food is relevant to this editorial. To that I say, prepare to descend into the 10th circle of Hell with me as we tackle the age-old debate regarding one of the earliest stunt food creations: the pineapple pizza.
Does pineapple belong on pizza? The simple answer is no.
The complicated answer begins with the earliest iteration of pizza, which dates to the days of the Romans and the creation of panis focacius, or focaccia bread. The term pizza was first recorded in the late 10th century in Southern Italy, but the version of pizza that is closest in style to what is made today did not emerge until the 16th century.
To avoid boring you with the rest of the history surrounding pizza like an unhinged episode of Food Network’s Unwrapped, I will give you this instead; the pizza was originally sweet in its earliest form, but when a wider range of people were introduced to pizza, it had become a savory dish topped with tomato, oregano, garlic, and olive oil. Now as you can see, the pizza marinara has no pineapple in the recipe. This is a fact because the pineapple did not make it onto European soil until the 17th century, but if it was not a monumental pizza topping then, it should not be a pizza topping now.
Am I arguing that any savory food should be used as a pizza topping? Absolutely not. However, in a world where pizzas are cooked and pineapples turn into a sour and sweet mush when introduced to high levels of heat, it is safe to say that pineapples do not belong on pizza. I am not an extremist, nor will I protect anyone who likes pineapple on pizza, but what I can assure you is that I do not plan to create a new branch of the U.S military that monitors every pizzeria in the country to ensure that pineapple pizzas, or Hawaiian pizzas, are created. That is too extreme for my taste at the moment.
For the people who enjoy Hawaiian pizzas, I will provide this interesting bit of information. The Hawaiian “pizza” was created in 1962 by Sam Panopoulos in Canada. It was created in Canada by a non-Hawaiian resident. You can do whatever you wish with that information; I just feel that it should be said.
So, kids, what have we learned in class today? Pizza is a savory food that became a household dish in Naples that did not include pineapples, or anchovies, for anyone who enjoys flirting with any illness caused by ingesting too much salt. Unfortunately, there will always be some poor soul who enjoys pineapple on pizza, which must be a sad existence, but at least the conversations can be had with a greater understanding of what pizza is at its core.
As I step away from this conversation, I will leave you with a quote that has been very impactful in my life: “An opinion is neither right nor wrong, it is just that. An opinion.”
That is true for almost every opinion, except that pineapple belongs on pizza. That singular opinion, my friends, is objectively incorrect.
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