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Writer's pictureEmily Mosier

Meanwhile in Sparta:

Senioritis claims thousands of lives


Author’s Note: I am so, so sorry that this article is a few weeks late! I wanted to start working on it, but then I had so many other homework assignments that it was very overwhelming. It was so stressful that I did nothing instead. But that’s in the past! After binge-watching the first five seasons of How I Met Your Mother, I was able to get it done in a very timely manner! Just don’t ask me how the job search is going!


The Senior Slump, also known as “senioritis,” also known as the fourth-year burnout, has infected thousands of seniors at Troy University.


The disease has claimed the lives of around 40% of seniors at Troy. That percentage is expected to rise to 95% by the spring semester.


The symptoms are not noticeable at first. It begins with students demonstrating an increased willingness to miss class for fun events or extra naps. Then, their shoulders begin to deform until they are, in fact, literally slumped.


At night, they’re insomniacs. In class, they struggle to keep their heads up. They abandon any effort at notetaking, tapping their swollen heads and saying, “I’ve got it all up here.” Even morally upright students find themselves tempted to use Chat GPT to write their discussion boards.


Their skin starts to turn gray due to a lack of exposure to “the outside.” They walk around campus, bent over, slow and sometimes crying.


“I am unable to complete any homework assignments at all if I am not simultaneously listening to music, watching an episode of my favorite 2000s sitcoms and taking 20 Instagram breaks every hour,” said an infected student who is definitely not me. “Focus is a lucrative luxury these days.”


Technology and depressing outlooks on the job markets are said to be contributing factors to the lack of motivation the sick students feel.


Expert Dr. So-and-So said the disease is often preceded by a hyperactive junior and sophomore year. Second and third-year students who cram their lives full of difficult classes and taxing extracurriculars are more likely to turn into so-called ‘senioritis zombies.’


“It’s true,” said another infected student. “There were months where I worked on schoolwork and ran clubs nearly every day.


“I’d leave my dorm at 8 a.m., but I wouldn’t be back until after midnight. I said to myself, ‘I don’t need friends! I don’t even need a boyfriend!’ My Canvas notifications were my friends and my lover, and they were a lot more reliable than real people. Canvas at least sent me good morning and good night messages every single day. But now, I’m tired, and I want to break up.”


Another student blamed their senioritis on their fear of the future.


“I am so used to getting all of my self-validation from academic accomplishments, that the idea of being done with school is terrifying,” she said. “Who am I?


“Maybe I’ll go to graduate school.”


Dr. So-and-So said the disease only ostensibly looks to be dire, but that the future is hopeful.


“The most important thing students need to remember is that they are not alone,” he said. “Seniors are going through a universal experience together.


“At the end of the year, when they walk across that graduation stage, this struggle will make that diploma even more valuable. Your hard work is going to pay off, and, even if it takes longer than you want, everything works out in the end.”


Troy University offers free counseling services for students facing mental health challenges. Appointments can be made by calling (334) 670-3700.

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