Troy calls TUPD off trail of hazing investigation to write parking tickets

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events.

Zach Henson


The Troy University police chief was reportedly called away from handling a situation involving intoxicated minors on Fraternity Row to write a parking ticket near Patterson Hall.

According to police reports, a student had parked in a faculty member’s spot, preventing Joe Blow, a professor of history, from making it to class on time.

“How on earth can I make it to class if I can’t find a stinking place to park!” Blow exclaimed in an interview.

The police chief expressed great dissatisfaction with the situation.

“How can the school expect me to keep all these students in line if all they care about is their precious parking?” he said. “If they keep treating the students like this, they’ll think it’s a felony to park out of line and perfectly OK to force pledges to drink an entire bottle of hard liquor!”

Noah Smith, a sophomore music education major from Huntsville, said he didn’t get what the big deal was.

“I have no clue what these people are on about,” said Smith, a Sound of the South member. “I park crooked and block people in in the band lot all the time, and I’ve never gotten a ticket!”

When the police chief was able to return to Fraternity Row nearly an hour later, he was unable to locate the intoxicated minors.

The same students were arrested the next day for reversing into a parking spot.   

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