Category: Meanwhile in Sparta…

Meanwhile In Sparta: Senator Binks recommends handing President “emergency powers”

Opinion

Sam Stroud Opinion Editor  On Monday, Gavin Newsome’s new Democratic senator appointment from California, Jar Jar Binks, delivered a floor speech which has been hailed as brilliant by many on the political left.  “It was simply the most eloquent speech I have ever heard on the Senate floor,” CNN’s Jon King claimed. “It won’t be forgotten for the next 10 to 15 thousand years.”  In his speech, Sen. Binks decried the internal instability within the American Republic and advocated for a transfer of emergency powers to President Biden in light…

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Meanwhile in Sparta: School unveils new state-of-the art mask design

Sam Stroud

Sam Stroud Opinion Editor Several studies recently have suggested that not all masks are universally effective against COVID-19, certain designs appear to have specific levels of effectiveness. Coupling this knowledge with a new scientific data, which suggests that COVID-19 can be transmitted through the eyes, has forced Sparta University to reconsider its current mask mandate.  With all this in mind, Sparta University has announced that it has designed the most up-to- date, sophisticated mask for the students and faculty to wear.  This new design is sturdier, as it is made…

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Satire: SGA introduces legislation allowing students to bribe professors for grades

Opinion

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events. Emma Daniel Inspired by the college admission scam, the SGA passed a resolution allowing students to bribe faculty and staff. Richie Richards III, the SGA president, sponsored the constitutional amendment himself “so I could pass math, duh,” he said to a reporter who found him handing money to a professor after the SGA meeting.  The day after the bill passed, multiple…

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Satire: Students tackle enormous debt by simply selling graduation tickets

Trojan Living

Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events. Asem Abdelfattah Assistant News Editor A startup at Troy has found an innovative way to help students pay off their loans by selling their graduation tickets. “I first came up with the idea for University Trading when I saw very high demand for graduation tickets and limited supply,” said Peter Paterson, a junior marketing major from Troy. “I knew that was…

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Satire: CNN unsure of what to report when Biden actually runs

Trojan Living

Pradyot Sharma CNN executives had an emergency meeting to determine how they would report former Vice President Joe Biden officially announcing he would run for president. The outlet has already done stories regarding Biden’s potential presidential run, including his policies, his relationship with former president Barrack Obama, and why he should not run for president.  More importantly though, they have run multiple stories regarding what everyone from  Wolf Blitzer to Jake Tapper think about Biden running.  Since Biden announcing will not be anything new, they may be out of content…

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