Editor’s Note: Columns appearing under “Meanwhile in Sparta…” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events. Pradyot Sharma Opinion Editor Travel agents and airline websites were overwhelmed Wednesday as thousands of American college students attempted to book spring break vacations to Canada. Canada legalized purchase and possession of marijuana up to 30 grams for recreational use on Tuesday, but the students maintain they were not aware of this development. Jack Hightower, a sophomore business major from Alabaster,…
Read MoreCategory: Meanwhile in Sparta…
Satire: Professor requests change of title in hopes of pay raise
Taylor Walding Variety Editor A faculty member has requested a formal change of title, from professor to coach, in hopes of a better salary. Rob Stevenson, a professor of economics, said he feels he is undervalued by the university. “If they would just view me like one of their football coaches, I might actually get a significant raise,” Stevenson said. “We put in approximately the same number of hours, but I work with far more students with far less gratitude from the fans. In fact, I don’t have any fans.”…
Read MoreTwitter loses valuable customer to national text alert system
Zach Henson Editor-in-Chief Pradyot Sharma Opinion Editor After testing the presidential alert system Wednesday, President Donald Trump announced that he will abandon Twitter in favor of the new system. “THE LYING MEDEA CANT BLOCK THE ALRTS LIKE THEY CAN BLOC ME ON TWEETTER,” Trump sent out in the alert after the initial test. A source in the president’s cabinet said they first found out about this when they heard Chief of Staff John Kelly yell, “You gave him access to what?!” to the White House technology director. According to Senate…
Read More7 a.m. classes a violation of Geneva Convention
Taylor Walding Variety Editor In accordance with the Geneva Convention, representatives from the United Nations (UN) have outlawed 7 a.m. classes on grounds of inhumane treatment. Violation of the law will now be considered an international war crime and tried in court. Miroslav Lajčák of Slovakia, the current president of the U.N., said upon the committee’s visit to Troy’s campus, members saw students hysterically wailing on their journey to class. Afterward, students seemed even more tormented, as the committee saw numerous episodes of weeping and gnashing of teeth. “We really…
Read MoreUniversity decides to admit lovebugs to boost enrollment
Emma Daniel News Editor Troy University will now allow lovebugs to enroll as students in an effort to boost enrollment numbers, the admissions office announced at a ceremony on Monday. Fifteen members of administration, a handful of students and hundreds of lovebugs signed up for the ribbon cutting, unveiling a new “Lovebug Department” in Bibb Graves Hall. “We are Alabama’s international university, and we would like to take the next step by moving across species,” the chancellor said. “Considering that so many of these brilliant creatures already live on campus,…
Read More